&

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 12:14:58 GMT

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 12:26:14 GMT

Maybe I'm manic depressive, but who knows.

Life is good. I can't complain.

I'm going to try and cut my hours down at work. Full time is taking too much of a toll on me, physically and mentally.

I really can't wait for the weekend. This has been the slowest week in a long time.

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 00:58:58 GMT

Don't get your hopes up.
Don't get your hopes up.
Don't get your hopes up.

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 02:27:37 GMT

I'm a really shitty person. I guess I just realized it. I guess when you're in your own skin, you can look at other people and judge them and say "he/she's a fucking idiot, why do they do the things they do?" I guess that's how people look at me. I fuck up everything good I have then wonder why I'm unhappy with every aspect of my life.

1. I'm unbelievably jealous of everything. I don't know if it's guys in general or just me, but the tiniest little thing will make me sick to my stomach and worry me to death.
2. I have an extremely guilty conscience.
3. I find reasons to make myself upset. I always have to know everything, even if it's going to hurt me.
4. I'm selfish.
5. I sit in an office for nine hours, five days a week talking on the phone. It's not so much a bad job, I have a hard time tolerating some of the people and the monotony.
6. My social life leaves much to be desired. I can't take much more of Dunkin' Donuts, Quick Check and my friends' rooms. Unfortunately, there is nothing else to do. I don't know what I'm waiting for to change around here, and I know it's going to be the same anywhere else I go.
7. I'm going nowhere. I don't go to school or do much of anything with my life except work.
8. The thought of being alone makes me want to break down. It's something that absolutely terrifies me. I can never be alone. As appealing as "flying solo" might sound, I can't just sit around and think I'm not going to remember the next female companion I encounter because I'm going to be drunk. That may work for some of my friends, but I'm not too hyped up on the thought.
9. I can't just leave well-enough alone. I always, always have to nitpick at any little aspect of any situation that bothers me.
10. I'm too nosy for my own good. I'm also extremely paranoid and obsessive compulsive. But I guess those last two tie into 1 and 3.

There's more I could think of, I'm sure. But that pretty much sums it up. I've been saying this for God knows how long, but I need to get my life in order. Only problem being, I have absolutely no idea how to go about doing that. Any help is greatly appreciated.

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 12:13:45 GMT

Christmas is in a week and a half and I'm not done "shopping", if you want to call it that.

Frances and I's one year is in three weeks.

Everything's good.

Gotta go sell some flooring.

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 21:28:52 GMT

This week shouldn't be too bad.

Three days of work, I get paid Wednesday and I'm gonna go chill in Hamilton because Sayreville sucks.

Word.

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 00:05:38 GMT

I want to move.

I need to move somewhere I can afford however, and right now I could barely afford a shitty place in Newark.

I'd love to live in south Jersey, somewhere around the Bordentown/Florence area, but there's very little chance I could ever afford that.

I'll see what happens if I ever get a raise.

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 01:40:06 GMT

Back to normal? I hope so.

Love you butt.

Violets taste like soap but I eat them anyway.

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 04:45:09 GMT

I feel like I should speak what's on my mind but I can't bring myself to. It's not appropriate. I want to tell you and I think you should know. However, I can't because you're sleeping. I want to wake you up and cry to you but I can't do that either. I just feel really shitty and I want to go to sleep. The beer in my system apologizes for this.

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 02:16:54 GMT

I can't think of one single good thing about the last week.

I'M FUCKING PATHETIC AND I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING.

Anything else you want to take away from me while you're at it?

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 19:43:52 GMT

On Thursday I got the idea to pick up Michael the next day and go out to Pennsylvania to stay with Don for the night.

So on Friday, I left work, got him in Hamilton and got out to Lancaster by about 8.

And I must say..after a year of not being out there, nothing felt the same. Nothing.

We drove back into Hummelstown to eat because I was starving and wanted to go to the Cocoa Grill. I got a little upset being in there again.

That's about all we did. Saturday morning we got some breakfast and Michael and I headed out.

It didn't hit me until the drive home when "White Houses" came on and she sings, "..so I go, and I will not be back here again. I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses. I lie, put my injuries all in the dust. In my heart it's the five of us." I have a specific 'five' in mind and I'm pretty sure anyone could figure out who they are. I got a little teary eyed watching the highway dissapear in my rearview but managed to keep myself under control.

I stopped up in Ringwood for the night on the way home and that's when it really got to me. I stood with Frances in her kitchen and cried. I don't know what's wrong with me, I should be past this by now. It's been so long, I feel pathetic. I don't know why it's so upsetting to me. My only guess is because I know for a fact that that part of my life is over with and I will never get back what I had. I wouldn't want to go back to it if I had the chance, but you know what I mean. Those kids were my life for a long time and I can't help but get upset when I think about it.

I'll stop now.

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 16:32:04 GMT

I'm at work.

I need to start going to the gym more than once a week.

I'm very tired.

I need to get paid, I'm pretty broke. How I survived at the library is beyond me.

Seeing Say Anything and He is Legend.

Miss you, Frances.

I'm okay.

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 23:50:54 GMT

You make it seem like it was yesterday.
But we've come a long way out of the rain.
Can't seem to figure out what happens after this.
Why can't I?

Why must you say I made a mess out of things?
I won't believe it.
Tonight feels right like I'm dancing on air.
I'll make it right, I'll make it right.
Pull over to the station and fill up on fuel.
And what will I do?

Sometimes I drive or ride with my eyes closed tight
because if the skyline looks this way
then I don't want to sleep tonight.
Never giving up, always seeking light,
we must always try, try with all our might.

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 00:51:30 GMT

I really want to bring myself to forgive you.
You seem to think I enjoy yelling at you.
But it also seems to me that you enjoy doing this to me.

I don't know.
I can't think straight.

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 15:51:11 GMT

This is not how I wanted to start off my summer.

Fuck.

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 03:43:24 GMT

Francine and I are going on six months in July. Yes, we're back together.

I started working at Derr Flooring full-time in Edison yesterday. 8-5, $10/hr to start. The job itself isn't so bad, but I don't appreciate waking myself up at 6:30 in the morning five days a week. I got Strauss a job there too, so at least I have a friend nearby some of the day. I have a feeling this was the official final nail in the "going back to school eventually" coffin.

My life from here on in will consist of work..and Frances. Our every day hangout spot has been indefinitely cancelled. Thanks to that, there is, again, literally nothing to do. Yeah.

I'm going to Pennsylvania soon. I talked to Andrew, Don, and Megan the other night and I still miss them.

Sun, 14 May 2006 06:14:21 GMT

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Wed, 10 May 2006 05:42:57 GMT

Sigh.

There are just some people who I can't stand. Fucking elitest douche bags. If it's one thing I hate, it's someone who thinks their opinions matter more than anyone elses, and if you think differently, you're stupid. It's really quite immature.

Thu, 04 May 2006 06:23:14 GMT

I don't know what's going on.

I'm miserable.

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 08:47:12 GMT

So, as my last entry stated, I withdrew from school. I just couldn't take it anymore. The classes, the driving, walking around in the bitter cold, the 13-hour days, everything. It was too much to deal with and I'm so happy I don't have to do it anymore.

Frances and I are over. I really did like her, she was amazing. But for now, I'm 19 and I just want to be a teenager and have fun while I still can. I don't really want the commitment right now.

I also quit my job. Mainly for one reason. I asked my boss for a raise and was denied. That may sound a little selfish, but there's a reason it pissed me off so badly. I was there for about a year, and still made $6.50, what I started off making. My boss then asked the board of library dousche bags for a raise for us, and we got a dollar. I was supposed to get an anual raise, which I was expecting on top of the dollar, and never got. So after about a year and a half, I made the same amount of money as the girl who just started two weeks ago, and that made me angry.

That's about it.

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 06:27:39 GMT

NO

MORE

SCHOOL.

I

WITHDREW.

BLESS

EVERYTHING.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 06:39:07 GMT

I need:
a) To be done with school. Not on their terms, on mine. I can't do this shit anymore.
b) To clear my head.
c) Someone to move. Even fucking Hunterdon would be better.
d) To really fucking clear my head.

Unfortunately, 0% of these are possible.

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 04:23:56 GMT

Every time I open IE, I open my friends page, forgetting that I actually have a journal that is here for a reason. That's probably why I rarely update this thing (regardless of the fact that there are probably only three or four people who actually read what I write in here).

Anyway, I've been alright. Frances and I are going on three months, I didn't realize how quickly time has been going. I don't know what I'm feeling, though. I wouldn't say I'm confused, but I'm stuck in the middle. It's that "more than like, less than love" feeling, and it doesn't really feel like it's swaying to either side. Maybe I'll have to give it a little shove.

School makes me want death, as expected. I go to school two days a week. Sounds fantastic, no? Think again. Look at my schedule:
Wednesday: 8:00-10:50/11:00-12:20/2:00-3:20/6:00-8:50.
Friday: 11:00-12:20/2:00-3:20.
Four classes, from 8 in the morning to 8:50 at night. Meaning, to not be totally ass-raped by the morning rush-hour, I have to wake up around 6:15. My dad doesn't even get up that early, and he works a half hour away.

Aside from that..booya.

I'm 19 and I shaved my head.

See you next month.

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 04:43:50 GMT

My body hurts.

I'm really tired.

I realized today that I miss all of my friends from Pennsylvania.

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 18:45:22 GMT

I can't believe I start school tomorrow. It's kind of surreal. I still haven't gotten my books.

I feel like I've changed a lot, but not really. I don't really know how to explain it or whether or not it's a good thing, but while I feel like I have my life in order, I still feel like a mess. Maybe I'm just a confused teenager.

I need money, real bad. Does anyone want to donate?